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We hope these quotes and stories make you smile!

HOW TO PHOTOGRAPH A PUPPY

Remove film from box and load camera.

Choose a suitable background for photo.

Find puppy and place in front of background.

Mount camera on tripod.

Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.

Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.

Place puppy in front of background again.

Focus camera to proper distance.

Find puppy and remove dirty sock from its mouth.

Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.

Crawl after puppy on knees. Replace puppy in spot, move closer for control.

Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.

Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.

Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.

Put cat outside and put peroxide on scratch on puppy's nose.

Put magazines back on coffee table.

Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.

Clean and replace your glasses and check camera for damage.

Jump up in time to grab puppy and say, "No, outside! No!"

Call spouse to clean up mess.

Fix a strong drink.

Lie back on couch with drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning! 

Dog Comandments

Thou shalt not act half starved whenever thou watches me owner eat.

Thou shalt not lift thy leg to water the Christmas tree.

Thou shalt not roll in any smelly stuff thy finds in the yard.

Thou shalt not lie down next to me and commence making licking and popping noises. 

Thou shalt not dig up my favorite rose bush.

Thou shalt not treat my shoes as if they were thy chew toy.

Thou shalt not drink out of the toilet.

Thou shalt keep thy nose out of the cat's litter box.

Thou shalt not WATCH the cat while she is in her litter box. (she likes her privacy.) 

Thou shalt not pass gas in my presence, and then walk away as if thou has been offended by me. 

Thou shalt not run away from home in pursuit of a good time. (Thou has been neutered.) 

Thou shalt refrain from coughing and gagging while we have company. 

Thou shall not hide thy bones under my pillow. 

Thou shalt not harmonize with the cat at 2a.m. 

Thou shalt not sneak up on me and lick me in the mouth while I am sleeping.

Dogs are miracles with paws. - Attributed to Susan Ariel Rainbow Kennedy

You can say any fool thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, `My God, you're RIGHT! I NEVER would've thought of that!'
            - Dave Barry

My little dog .... a heartbeat at my feet. - Edith Wharton

Dogs are our link to paradise. They don't know evil or jealousy or discontent. To sit with a dog on a hillside on a glorious afternoon is to be back
            in Eden, where doing nothing was not boring--it was peace. - Milan Kundera

DOES YOUR DOG OWN YOU?

See how many of these statements apply to you and your dog.

* You believe every dog is a lap dog. 

* If you are cold, you put a sweater on your dog. 

*You have a picture of your dog in your wallet, but not one of your kids. 

*You often claim that it was love at first sight with you and your dog.

*You have your dog talk to your friends on the phone. 

*You can't fully enjoy yourself without your dog. 

*No matter how large your bed is, it is not large enough for you and your dog(s). 

*You spend more on clothes and food for your dog than you do for yourself. 

*You have no reservations about kissing your dog on the lips, even when you know where his lips have been. 

*You believe it is your duty to talk to, pat, and even feed every dog in the neighborhood. You know their names. 

*You let the neighbor dogs sleep over. 

*You believe there is no such thing as a naughty dog. 

*Your vet and grooming bills exceed your rent. 

*When you need someone to talk to, your dog is your first choice. 

*You sit on the floor if the dog got in the chair first. 

*You talk to your dog when you are driving. He answers. 

*Your dog taught you to fetch and roll over.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DOGS AND CATS

What is a Cat?

Cats do what they want.

They rarely listen to you.

They're totally unpredictable.

They whine when they are not happy.

When you want to play, they want to be alone.

When you want to be alone, they want to play.

They expect you to cater to their every whim.

They're moody.

They leave hair everywhere.

They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: They're tiny little women in fur coats.

 

What is a Dog?

Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable     piece of furniture in the house.

 They can hear a package of food opening half a block     away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room

 They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.

 They growl when they are not happy.

 When you want to play, they want to play.

 When you want to be alone, they want to play.

 They are great at begging.

 They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.

 They leave their toys everywhere.

 They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try     to give you a kiss.

Conclusion: They're tiny little men in fur coats.

The dog is the only animal that has seen his god. - Author Unknown

The dog represents all that is best in man. - Etienne Charlet

I love a dog. He does nothing for political reasons. - Will Rogers

He is my other eyes that can see above the clouds; my other ears that hear above the winds. He is the part of me that can reach out into the sea. He has told me a thousand times over that I am his reason for being; by the way he rests against my leg; by the way he thumps his tail at my smallest smile; by the way he shows his hurt when I leave without taking him. (I think it makes him sick with worry when he is not along to care for me.) When I am wrong, he is delighted to forgive. When I am angry, he clowns to make me smile. When I am happy, he is joy unbounded. When I am a fool, he ignores it. When I succeed, he brags. Without him, I am only another man. With him, I am all-powerful. He is loyalty itself. He has taught me the meaning of devotion. With him, I know a secret comfort and a private peace. He has brought me understanding where before I was ignorant. His head on my knee can heal my human hurts. His presence by my side is protection against my fears of dark and unknown things. He has promised to wait for me... whenever... wherever - in case I need him. And I expect I will - as I always have. He is just my dog. - Gene Hill

HOLIDAY ETIQUETTE FOR DOGS

1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.

2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.

3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.

4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know: Don't pee on the tree - don't drink water in the container that holds the tree. Mind your tail when you are near the tree-if there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them open - don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree.

5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part: Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans - don't eat off the buffet table - beg for goodies subtly - be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa - don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach.

6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important: Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses. Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house - tolerate children - turn on your charm big time.

7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. DON'T BITE HIM!!

A Dog's Philosophy on Life

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.

Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

Take naps.

Stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout...run right back and make friends.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

Dogs' lives are too short.  Their only fault, really. - Agnes Sligh Turnbull

Old dogs, like old shoes, are comfortable. They might be a bit out of shape and a little worn around the edges, but they fit well. - Bonnie Wilcox

I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts.
        - John Steinbeck

I would rather see the portrait of a dog that I know, than all the allegorical paintings they can show me in the world. - Samuel Johnson

DOG OWNER'S FITNESS PROGRAM

You have seen the ads on TV that promise amazing results from all sorts of contraptions - the thigh master, the hip master, the belly buster.

Well dog lovers take heart! There is no need to invest in fancy equipment. With this sure fire fitness program, a dog is all you need! The following exercises can (and will) be done anytime, anywhere.

INNER THIGHS: Place the dog's favorite toy between thighs. Press tighter than the dog can pull.

WARNING: Do not attempt this exercise barelegged - dogs who favor shortcuts to success will dig. Ouch, ouch, baaaad dog!

UPPER BODY: Lift dog off the couch, off favorite chair, off the bed. Repeat, repeat, repeat. As the dog ages, this process is reversed - lift dog onto couch, onto the bed and so on.

TONING: Remove your puppy from unsuitable tight places. If they are too small for him, they are certainly too small for you. Do it anyway. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

BALANCE AND COORDINATION:

Exercise 1: Practice not falling when your dog bounds across the full length of the room, sails through the air and slams both paws into the back of your knees.

Exercise 2: (for use with multiple dogs) Remove all dogs from lap, hurdle the ones between your feet and answer the phone before it stops ringing.

Exercise 3: (for those with older dogs) Attempt to cross any room without tripping over the dog. Get off couch without crushing any part of a sleeping older dog.

UPPER ARMS: Throw the ball. Throw the squeaky toy. Throw the frisbee. Repeat until nauseous.

(Alternate): Tug the rope. Tug the pull toy. Tug the sock. Repeat until your shoulder is dislocated or the dog gives up - we all know which comes first.

HAND COORDINATION AND SPEED: Remove foreign object from locked jaw before dog swallows. This exercise is especially popular with puppy owners. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Remember, this is a timed exercise. Movements must be quick and precise (think concert pianist) to prevent trips to the vet which only offer the minimal exercise benefit of jaw firming clenches.

CALVES: After the dog has worn out the rest of your body. Hang a circular toy on your ankle and let the dog tug while you tug back.

WARNING: this is feasible only for those with strong bones and small dogs. Have you taken your calcium supplement today?

(Alternate): Run after dog - pick any reason. Dogs of any size can be used for this exercise. Greyhounds are inadvisable.

REFLEXES: When entering house from shopping trip empty arms of packages and attempt to catch dog as he hurls himself into your waiting arms.

(Alternate - especially for sporting dog) After the dog has gone for a nice swim in some odd looking body of water, dodge the green spray as he violently shakes the slime out of his coat.

NECK MUSCLES: Attempt to outmaneuver the canine tongue headed for your ear, mouth, or eyeball. This is a lifelong fitness program. A dog is never too old or feeble to 'French kiss' when you least expect it.

BONUS OFFER - for owners of multiple dogs: Do NOT invest in that new mattress to help you stop tossing and turning. Throw away those special pillows that guarantee an undisturbed night of sleep. Share your bed with Fluffy and friends. With one stretched out on either side of you and another sleeping peacefully between your ankles, you are guaranteed not to move a muscle all night!

30 Reasons Why It Is Great To Be A Dog

1. No one expects you to take a bath every day.

2. Your friends never expect you to pay for lunch, dinner, or anything else for that matter.

3. When it's raining, you can lie around the house all day and never worry about being fired. 

4. If it itches, you can reach it. 

5. And no matter what itches no one is offended if you scratch it in public. 

6. It doesn't bother you if your favorite television show is a rerun. 

7. You can wear a fur coat and no one thinks you're insensitive. 

8. April 15 means nothing to you.

9. People at drive-through windows never charge you for treats.

10. Your friends don't think less of you for passing gas. 

11. A rawhide bone can entertain you for hours. 

12. No one gets mad if you fall asleep while they're talking. 

13. As an adult, it's OK if you haven't "amounted to anything" except being a dog. 

14. The older you get, the more people respect you. 

15. You can sleep late every day. 

16. If you grow hair in weird places, no one notices. 

17. You never get in trouble for putting your head in a stranger's lap. 

18. There's no such thing as bad food. 

19. You don't have to worry about good table manners. 

20. Someone else combs your hair. 

21. People think you're normal if you stick your head out the window to feel the wind in your hair. 

22. You're always excited to see the same old people. 

23. Having big feet is considered an asset. 

24. If you gain weight, it's someone else's fault. 

25. Everything smells good to you. 

26. A garbage can is a fast-food stop. 

27. No one tells you to wipe your nose because it's wet. 

28. No matter where you live, you own the place. 

29. Your mate never complains because you whine. 

30. Puppy love can last. 

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. - Ben Williams

The one absolutely unselfish friend that man can have in this selfish world, the one that never deserts him, the one that never proves ungrateful or treacherous, is his dog. . . .He will kiss the hand that has no food to offer; he will lick the wounds and sores that come in encounter with the roughness of the world. . . .When all other friends desert, he remains. - George G Vest

The more people I meet the more I like my dog. - Unknown

To err is human, to forgive, canine. - Unknown

DOG RULES

The dog is not allowed in the house.

Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.

The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.

All right, the dog can get on the old furniture only.

Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep on the bed.

Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.

The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.

Fine, the dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only.

The dog can sleep under the covers every night.

Sigh, humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog. 

Some Basic Rules For Dogs Who Have A House To Run

If you have to throw up, get into a chair, QUICKLY! If you can't manage that in time, get to an Oriental rug. If no Oriental rug is available, any good rug will do. (The middle of the human's bed is a good spot too.)

ALWAYS accompany guests to the bathroom. It's not necessary to do anything; just sit and stare. When they are done, jump up and look in the bowl when they flush.

Do not allow closed doors in ANY room. To get a door opened, stand on our hind legs and hammer with your forepaws.

When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up, and consoled with food. (And to get twice the number of treats, demand one before you go out and another when you come back in....2 treats for only a few drops of urine!)

Once a door is opened, it's not necessary to use it. After you've ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and halfway out and think about several things. It's particularly important during very cold or hot weather, rain, snow, and mosquito season.

Begin people-training early. You'll then have a smooth-running household. Humans need to know the basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent.

If your dog doesn't like someone you probably shouldn't either. - Unknown

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater. . . suggest that he wear a tail. - Fran Lebowitz

He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion. - Unknown

When you feel dog tired at night, it may be because you've growled all day long. - Unknown

DOG DICTIONARY

BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes and you prance away.

BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

DEAFNESS: This is an illness that affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guestroom or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

GARBAGE CAN: A container that your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require.....especially effective when combined with The Sniff.

LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "sit", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

LEASH: A strap that attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.

SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dogs rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.

SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.

A dog is not almost-human, and I know of no greater insult to the canine race than to describe it as such. - John Holmes

You may have a dog that won't sit up, roll over or even cook breakfast, not because she's too stupid to learn how but because she's too smart to bother. - Rick Horowitz, Chicago Tribune

No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does. - Christopher Morley

The Happy Dog's Bedtime Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep,
The queen-size bed is soft and deep.
I sleep right in the center groove
My human being can hardly move!

I've trapped her legs,
she's tucked in tight,
And here is where I pass the night.
No one disturbs me or dares intrude
Till morning comes and I want food!

I sneak up slowly and it begins
My nibbles on my human's chin.
She wakes up slowly and smiles and shouts,
"You darling beast! Just cut it out!"
But morning's here and it's time to play
I always seem to get my way.

So thank you, Lord, for giving me
This human person that I see
The one who hugs and holds me tight
and shares her bed with me at night!

---Author unknown

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